Red Leather Pants
by Alyssa Tolensky
Summary: Bella has a strange dream that comes true. Edward fights Buffy, but runs away leaving Bella wanting excitment...and a Ducati. This story is a joke and a stab at Twilight. ONESHOT


**DISCLAIMER: I own nothing in this…thank God. If I did own these characters, I would majorly recreate them and their flaws and of course, their sparkling. It's just wrong!**

**This story is meant to be a joke. Please, do not take this story seriously. If you are a…a uh…what do they call those people? Twi…Twitards? That right? Well, if you're one of those and are offended by my story or have any bashings, go ahead. I am open to all comments so that I might point and laugh at you and forward your comment to all my friends so that they too can point and laugh at you.**

**Anyway, enjoy the fic.**

It was another boring, rainy day in Forks, Washington. And although it was a Friday morning and her alarm on her cell phone, Bella was still fast asleep. She was having strange dreams, as per usual. It started off nice and pleasant. Her and her vampire lover, Edward were sitting out in a quiet meadow having a picnic lunch. The sun shined brightly down on them making Edward's skin glisten like a Las Vegas showgirl's leotard.

Bella smiled and bit her bottom lip as she watched Edward much ever-so delicately on a squirming rat.

"Oh, Edward." Bella said completely ignoring the rat's cries of pain and agony, crimson blood running down it's matted, furry body.

"Yes, Bella?" Edward asked wiping his mouth looking at Bella.

"Let's be together forever." Bella replied. Edward frowned, yet smiled at the same time and quickly looked away from his human companion. "Edward?" she asked going to rest a hand on his shoulder.

"No, Bella. If you're not a vampire, than being together forever is an impossible feat that we will never over come." He said broodingly. Bella's eyes were beginning to fill up with tears.

"But I love you." Bella said softly. Edward quickly looked into her eyes.

"I know." He replied. Bella knew all to well that when Edward replied to an "I love you" with "I know" or "Okay", it meant that he felt the same. She sighed with a smile, as she bit her bottom lip with glee.

Suddenly, they heard a rustling in the bushes. Edward leapt to his feet and looked in the direction of the source of the noise.

"Edward, what is it?" Bella asked.

"It's something…dangerous." He replied not looking down at her. Bella got on her feet and brushed her hair behind one ear as she bit her bottom lip. Suddenly, a small figure emerged from the bushes. It was only a human girl sporting a black tanktop and red leather pants. The wind gently blew her long blonde hair out of her face.

"Who is that, Edward?" Bella asked hiding behind him. The woman came ever closer and drew out a wooden stake.

"Bella! I'll protect you!" Edward yelled backhanding her at full force into a nearby tree. But Bella knew that Edward didn't mean to hit her full force into a nearby tree. He was just doing that to protect her, because as Edward said earlier, he loves her. Bella slowly and painfully rose to her feet, straightened her hair and bit he bottom lip and Edward confronted the threatening woman. Edward ran as fast as lighting toward the woman and stopped just in front of where she was standing.

"Who are you?" Edward said glaring down at the woman with the red leather pants and the wooden stake.

"I'm Sarah Michelle Geller and I slay vampires(…kinda)" Sarah/Buffy the vampire slayer responded. Edward made a strange look on his face as Buffy raised the stake to plunge it into Edward's heart. Thinking fast, Edward did the only thing he could think of to do. He pulled a large tree up out of the ground and threw it at her. But Buffy was too quick and dodged the airborne oak tree. She lunged at Edward, but he ran fast out of her reach and stood beside Bella (who again bit her bottom lip).

"Edward, are you going to run me out of here?" Bella asked starting to panic.

"No. That's not a safe idea, Bella. It's just not safe!" Edward replied. Bella bit her lip.

Buffy continued to run at Edward and he was running out of ideas until he looked down at his "true love". Bella looked up at him so lovingly.

"Edward, if we're going to die…I love you, you know." Bella said going to kiss Edward's cold dead lips.

"Okay." He replied nodding his head. Suddenly, he picked Bella up, threw her at Buffy making them fall to the ground as he ran away at full speed to his glass house for safety.

Buffy stood up and brushed herself off.

"Okay, I thought this was going to be so much easier. I mean, I read these books and I thought that I could kill Edward so easily." Buffy shrugged and because this is a dream, she poofed in a cloud of purple smoke leaving Bella all alone in the meadow.

Bella looked around and started to cry.

"Edward?" she called quietly. "He's gone…and I'll never see him again. Oh, my tortured soul." She began reciting her dark and emo-like poetry. "This blackness grasping my heart is squeezing ever-tighter. My love Edward, has run for my protection. My true love that watches me as a I sleep after breaking and entering into my home, my true love that drives me into insanity when his orange eyes stare into the depths of my soul. Edward, who always expresses his love for me by…by…by…um…" she pondered thinking through all the events that they've gone through together until she finally thought of one.

"By watching me sleep and spying on me when I feel alone in my room." She sighed. "But, now he has left leaving me to cry these heavy black tears like ink, with which I write my awful poetry that never rhymes. Now, that I cry these tears, black as night, I feel as those adrenaline is coursing through my veins, like radioactive rubber pants." Bella stood proud and puffed out her chest.

"Ignore this feeling I shall not! Steal my father's credit card, I will and purchase a Ducati so that I may ride it without a helmet because it messes up my hair! With the Ducati, my soul shall be free as I drive at full speed along the twisted and dangerous roads that occasionally hug the edges of jagged cliffs. The open roads of Forks, is open only for me!" she cried.

Suddenly, she woke up from her dream and shook her head.

"It was only a dream." She said out loud to no one in particular. She glanced at the small plotted cactus on her nightstand. "Oh, cactus, what does a dream like this mean?" she asked the prickly, desert plant. She sighed and got dressed for school.

As she ran down the stairs, late for school, her dad stopped her.

"Hey, Bells, I made you some French toast because I'm your father and I love you."

"No thanks, dad." She said ungratefully pulling her backpack out of the oven.

"Well, I'll put it in some Tupperware and you can have it in homeroom. I'll pack you some extra powdered sugar if you'd like."

"Dad, no! I'm supposed to be cool and have no friends. Cool girls with no friends don't eat French toast." She replied as she slammed the front door and headed out to her car. Her dad had been so annoying and mean that she couldn't concentrate on driving. Bella knew that her dad yelling at her was going to completely mess up her day.

Eventually, she pulled up into the parking lot and climbed out of her rusty, smelly red truck. The truck however was special because Jacob built it for her even though it was a decrepit piece of shi-should she ever throw the special car away, it would make her look rude.

Suddenly, her "friends", Angela, Mike, Tyler, Jessica, and Eric ran over to her car.

"Sorry, guys, I don't feel like having friends today." Bella said politely.

"Bella, Edward is fighting some girl!" Angela yelled. Jessica waved her away.

"She doesn't want to hear about that. She wants to talk about my new haircut." Jessica said. "I got just a trim and some light curls."

"Wait, what did this girl look like, Angela?" Bella asked frantically…as she bit her bottom lip.

"It wasn't just any girl!" Tyler yelled.

"It was Sarah Michelle Geller in red leather pants!" Mike added.

"I'm yelling!" Eric yelled happily.** :D**

Bella quickly took off in a run where Edward was supposedly fighting Sarah/Buffy. She knows where the fight is taking place because she's Bella and Stephanie Meyer gave herself, I mean, Bella the ability to be omniscient (to be able to know everything).

She ran to the fight that no one was really watching because stuff like this happens everyday.

Edward was dodging every attack that Buffy was dishing out at him, but he was quickly running out of trees and rocks to throw at her.

"Edward!" Bella yelled. Edward ran at Bella, and just like in her dream, he threw her at the attacker and ran away.

"What a jerk." Buffy said standing up. "What kind of vampire throws a defenseless human girl as a weapon?" she asked to no one in particular.

"Oh Edward, you make my heart cry black tears of pain and misery." Bella said starting to cry. She ran home, stole her dad's credit card that he conveniently leaves out on his dresser, went to the nearest motorcycle place and bought the Ducati that she wanted.

For the rest of the day, she drove around on the dangerous roads without a helmet until she took one wrong turn and went careening over a cliff (as she bit her bottom lip one last time) and slashed down onto the jagged rocks of the waters below.

Suddenly, Edward fluttered his eyes open from his dream and smiled a toothy smile from the lovely dream he just had.

"Oh, if only that would happen. Bella would never see it coming." He said to himself.

"Bet you didn't see this coming!" Quicker than he could react, a wooden stake was driven through his heart by Buffy/Sarah Michelle Geller. The…life? Left Edward's eyes as he breathed his last breath (at least he last moments were joyous). Buffy smiled and left the house, leaving the rest of the vampire family alive. Turns out that the Cullen family was being threatened by Buffy, but if they gave her Edward to stake, then she would let them live.

"Thank you for letting me do my job." Buffy said to Carlile (is that how you spell it?).

"Of course. Anything for the safety of the rest of my family." He replied secretly glad to be rid of the gay, emo member of the family.

Buffy left the house and with the sun shining down brightly, she took a deep breath and said,

"My work here is done."

THE END

**A/N: This story was totally meant as a joke. I own a shirt that says "…then Buffy staked Edward. The End" so, I decided to go more into detail on that. Just for good measure, I also have a shirt that says, "I killed Edward". I figured, in this story it would make more sense if a fictional character killed a fictional character. If I wrote myself in, it would seem kind of…wrong. I can't kill Edward physically because he doesn't exist. There you go.**


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